Dissociative survivors' experiences

Making the most of your GP Appointment

by Carolyn Spring | 30 Sep 2018

‘I’m not seeing a doctor!’ I insisted with a look on my face that was intended to end the debate...

Three types of trigger … Three techniques for taming

by Carolyn Spring | 11 Sep 2018

All I did was walk into the kitchen and pick up a cloth. But the sudden waft of bleach flung me far, far back into some childhood memory. I switched to a traumatised part of myself. I had been ‘triggered’.

My therapist is retiring

by Marian | 10 Dec 2016

My therapist is retiring next year. I’ve worked with her for nearly five years and I’m not ready to finish therapy yet, so this is a difficult issue for me. Having spoken to PODS, I’ve realised that many other people face the same or similar situations, so I thought I’d write about how it’s impacting me and how I’m dealing with it. But I have DID, so I have a variety of responses…

Living in a Glass Bubble

by Helen | 10 Dec 2016

I was abused by my dad, and also my grandad. And in many ways, I want to just leave it there and...

Managing Medical Procedures

by Carolyn Spring | 10 Dec 2016

It might have been ‘just a routine blood test’ but that didn’t stop me passing out. Again. From a...

Difficulties we face: survivors’ perspectives

by Multiple Voices | 21 Nov 2016

Dissociative survivors face a range of challenges and here, in their own words, they describe the things they find hardest about life with dissociative identity disorder.

The quest for diagnosis

by Anonymous | 21 Nov 2016

How do you go about getting a diagnosis for dissociative identity disorder? One client describes her long struggle for treatment on the NHS and the path to the Clinic for Dissociative Survivors.

Divorcing old habits

by Carolyn Spring | 21 Nov 2016

What do you do when the worst thing you think could happen to you does happen? Do you fall back into old habits, ways of coping that you’ve worked so hard to reform? Or do you work the problem? … In this searingly honest and vulnerable piece, Carolyn Spring talks about how she coped with a double loss of attachment figures and how what she had feared the most actually became a springboard towards new growth.

Overcoming Trauma

by Pauline Rachael | 17 Mar 2016

Pauline Rachael talks about her experience of working towards recovery from trauma.

Making a Life Worth Living

by Karen Johnson | 17 Mar 2016

It was the last week in May 2014. I had packed up all my belongings in my flat, got my affairs in order, and decided that I needed ‘to be dead’. I didn’t want anyone else to have to clear my flat, so I took some stuff to the tip, packed my remaining belongings into labelled boxes, and wrote detailed instructions.

Can we heal?

by Carolyn Spring | 17 Mar 2016

‘Can we heal?’ she asked, quivering with the significance of what she was saying, as if her very life depended on it. ‘Can we really heal?’I could well understood the agony in her eyes. I lived for many years overwhelmed by trauma, the symptoms of unhealed suffering. And if recovery is impossible, then why are we even trying?

Alters assemble: using Marvel’s Avengers to understand dissociative identity disorder

by Anonymous | 7 Oct 2015

There’s no denying it: everyone likes a superhero. From the Greek gods to the current comic book heroes, the human race appears to be endlessly fascinated by the notion of power and ability that exceeds our natural levels of physical prowess and mental dexterity … And here, Xanthe Wells talks about how Avengers Assemble became a metaphor for her of dissociative identity disorder.

Words fail me: describing my inner experience

by Rachel Turnball | 1 Jun 2015

I exist as a phantom. I ache to be connected, to be able to express what life is like for me. Me, as a dissociative we. But I don’t have the words to become connected, I don’t have the words to become real. Words fail me.

Ten roadblocks to recovery

by Carolyn Spring | 1 Jun 2015

Recovery from trauma is a difficult process but what are the specific things that can get in the way?

It’ll be alright on the night – my experience of sex after abuse

by Anonymous | 1 Jun 2015

After sexual abuse, it’s very common to have difficulties in your sexual relationship. But is that just the way that it is and we have to just accept it? Or is there a way towards a fulfilling sex life after trauma?

‘Don’t make me vomit slowly’ – my experience of phase two work

by Carolyn Spring | 1 Feb 2015

When I first started therapy in 2006, I didn’t know much about trauma and nothing about ‘the three phase approach’. My counsellor didn’t know much more. So although I’d like to say that we started by carefully doing the Phase 1 work of safety and stabilisation, the reality was a great deal messier than that.

Recovery is my best revenge

by Carolyn Spring | 1 Feb 2015

Is recovery possible? That’s the question that everyone is asking, even when they’re not asking it. After a breakdown, perhaps after years in the mental health system, do we have to simply accept that we’re broken and that we’ll always be broken, or is it possible to live a life where we’re back in control again, where we’re living as we want to live, where life has purpose and meaning?

Trauma, psychosis and dissociation

by Noel Hunter | 1 Feb 2015

Recent years have seen an influx of numerous studies providing an undeniable link between...

Suicide – to be or not to be

by Carolyn Spring | 1 Feb 2015

I could cope with it no longer. Every part of me—eyelids, throat, bowels—everything was clenched tight in a ball of furious unbearability. This feeling—such a feeling!—loomed up over me like some prehistoric sea-monster, ready to snap me up and devour me, ready to pilfer my bones and pick apart my brain. This feeling was too much.

Part 9: It’s all in your head

by Cathy Le Roux | 1 Jun 2014

Part 9 of the Cathy Le Roux Chronicles, a sardonic look at life with dissociative identity disorder.

Feeling labelled and judged

by Carol Broad | 1 Jun 2014

When I was an in-patient in a locked rehab unit, a secure facility with an airlock as standard, the local taxi firm would not collect people from the unit. They judged without any real information. Ignorance, I guess, led people to hold a view that was without foundation and based upon stigma.

Ten things I have learned about child sexual abuse

by Carolyn Spring | 1 Jun 2014

Understanding the dynamics around child sexual abuse, who the perpetrators are, how they achieve their ends, the impacts of abuse on us—all of this knowledge, this ‘psycho-education’ has aided my recovery. And so these are ten of the many things that I have learned about child sexual abuse, some of the insights that have begun to heal my shame.

Help – a four-letter word?

by Hope | 1 Jun 2014

Although I am fiercely independent and repeatedly declare that I don’t need anyone to help, lately it seems that some parts of me don’t agree. Their cries for help come mainly at night. I can hear them inside, begging for someone to help them, and it’s relentless.

The cost of benefits

by Rachel Turnball | 1 Feb 2014

Being on benefits wasn’t a choice I’d made and certainly not something I did willingly. From before the age of fourteen I’d always had a job, pausing only for maternity leave. But when my dissociated trauma burst onto the scene three years ago it became a massive achievement simply to stay alive.

Symptom or experience?

by Rachel Waddingham | 1 Feb 2014

When I first started to see visions, I believed that they were monsters. More than that, I believed that I was a monster. Aged seven, I was sure that buried deep inside me was a monster that only revealed itself when I glanced towards a mirror. By wearing a ‘little-girl-suit’ and walking amongst the real humans I felt like a fraud.

My experience of dissociative identity disorder: crisis care

by Nadiene | 1 Feb 2014

I had no idea where I was, except—rather obviously—that I was on a beach. It was raining and I was soaking wet. My legs were drenched up to the knees, indicating that perhaps I’d been in the sea. It was dark and late and freezing cold. I put my hands in my pockets and felt sea-shells. The policewoman told me where I was but it didn’t make any sense.

Part 8: The bitterest pill

by Cathy Le Roux | 1 Feb 2014

Part 8 of the Cathy Le Roux Chronicles, a sardonic look at life with dissociative identity disorder.

I need a mother

by Wisp | 1 Feb 2014

Of all the things that are painful; of all the abuses of my body, my mind, my emotions; of all the effects I live with in my attempts to ‘be fine’ and seem normal: this one, this wound of ‘un-motheredness’ is one of the most difficult.

Damage limitation: covering up a life out of control

by Hope | 1 Sep 2013

Tears were streaming down my face as I tried to explain to the teacher – this angry, spiteful, menacing teacher – that I hadn’t stolen anything. It wasn’t me. I didn’t know why she was accusing me, but she was, and here I was – in trouble, again, and not understanding why.

Part 7: The anger business

by Cathy Le Roux | 1 Sep 2013

Part 7 of the Cathy Le Roux Chronicles, a sardonic look at life with dissociative identity disorder.

Family fortunes: care, court, and all those crap Christmases

by Nadiene | 1 Sep 2013

It has been hard to accept that there was no justice for me. My father was killed 8 years ago, so that robbed me of the possibility that he might ever apologise to me for what he had done. It’s unlikely that he would ever have done so anyway, but now there is no chance. Such have been my family fortunes.

Part 6: The train now standing

by Cathy Le Roux | 1 May 2013

Part 6 of the Cathy Le Roux Chronicles, a sardonic look at life with dissociative identity disorder.

If there were one thing you could educate people about, what would it be?

by Multiple Voices | 1 May 2013

Members of the PODS Forum talk about the kinds of things they wish they could educate other people about living with dissociative identity disorder.

It’s never too late to have a happy childhood

by Kitty | 1 May 2013

When I first read the statement “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood”, I thought rather crossly, “Yeah, right!” But when I had thought about it for a while, I changed it to an enthusiastic “Yeah, right!”

‘And so I told’ … myths, disclosures and not being believed

by Tortoise | 1 May 2013

In primary school we had learned about ‘myths’ – Greek gods and Aesop’s Fables and Robin Hood. What I didn’t realise was that ‘child protection’ professionals in England in 1989 clung more fiercely to myths about child abuse than they did to the truth.

My experience of living with DID: the NHS

by Nadiene | 1 May 2013

I have been a victim both of childhood abuse and abuses within the mental health system of the NHS. As someone said to me recently, the fact that I was abused as a child is appalling, but to be reabused again as an adult by the people who were supposed to be caring for me is equally unacceptable.

At war with my body

by Tortoise | 1 Jan 2013

I was born 35 years ago. With this body. This body that is a little too short and a little too plump. This body that sags in all the wrong places and looks the age it is, not the age I feel. This body that has produced two healthy children and enabled me to watch them grow. This body has been with me my entire life.

Ten helpful things my therapist does

by Recovering Insomniac | 1 Jan 2013

Dissociative survivor ‘Recovering Insomniac’ details ten helpful things that her therapist does.

What are the hardest things about everyday life with dissociative disorders?

by Multiple Voices | 1 Jan 2013

Users of the PODS forum talk about what is hardest for them in living with dissociative identity disorder.

My experience of living with DID: denial

by Carolyn Spring | 1 Jan 2013

Denial and dissociation are two sides of the same coin. In employing dissociation, we are employing denial: “This isn’t happening” or “This isn’t happening to me.” We create alter personalities to whom it happened, so that it didn’t happen to me.

What is the biggest battle you have in your head?

by Multiple Voices | 1 Jan 2013

Members of the PODS forum talk about the battles in their head that they endure as they live with dissociative identity disorder.

It’s not the ‘X-Factor’, it’s the ‘A’-Factor

by Kitty | 1 Jan 2013

My smoke alarm was going off in the swimming pool even when there was no real risk. There was risk and danger when I was a child, and that has affected my brain’s ability in the here-and-now to assess when there really is danger and when I really need an adrenaline rush so that I can escape or protect myself. This is what is happening when I am triggered: I am responding to a danger that is not really here now.

Part 5: Gardening for beginners

by Cathy Le Roux | 1 Jan 2013

It’s okay. You can come out now. Honestly, it’s all over! Whichever survival strategies you’ve...

Part 4: Gang on the run

by Cathy Le Roux | 1 Aug 2012

I wake up abruptly as you do on days like these. My mouth is almost indescribably dry. Unless of...

Parts are only part of the problem

by Carolyn Spring | 1 Jun 2012

I have dissociative identity disorder. I have many separate, distinct and unique ‘parts’ of my...

Wanting to tell the world

by Carol B | 1 May 2012

I spent the whole of my childhood having to play the game and say that these things weren’t happening. They were and they hurt. The world should have known then, and the world should know now. But it still doesn’t.

It’s a pain: the physical impact of trauma

by Carolyn Spring | 1 May 2012

Physical symptoms are a big part of life for me with DID. Yes, I have ‘multiple personalities’, the “two or more distinct identities that recurrently take control of the body” and I’m not for one moment denying the significance of that or the impact it has on my day-to-day life. But I would say that physical symptoms such as chronic, unexplained pain, headaches and nausea have been and still remain far more distressing and life-impacting for me than the presence of parts.

Part 3: No hard feelings? So long, Sheila!

by Cathy Le Roux | 1 May 2012

Part 3 of the Cathy Le Roux Chronicles, a sardonic look at life with dissociative identity disorder.

Feeling listless

by Kitty | 1 May 2012

All the signs were there that I did in fact have feelings, but initially I could not link these physical events with having an emotion, and I certainly could not put a name to them. Frequently my counsellor would gently remind me to notice what was happening in my body.

Experiences of birth after sexual abuse

by Samantha Russell | 1 May 2012

Samantha Russell, a survivor of child sexual abuse, talks about her experience of childbirth after trauma.

What I want people to say

by Carol B | 1 May 2012

The work of therapy can bring up strong feelings inside us of wanting to be cared for, wanting to be rescued, and wanting all the trauma and all our ‘parts’ to go away. It can be a very confusing time. As a dissociative survivor, I realised that there are things that I want people to say to me, and then there are things that would be more helpful for them to say to enable me in the long-term to recover.

Man up, man down

by Rob Spring | 1 May 2012

Four men all talk about their experiences and life with dissociative identity disorder.

Not a victim

by Tortoise | 5 Jan 2012

No matter how logically illogical it apparently is, I know I choose to listen to barbed words and vindictive self-beliefs about me: I am a subhuman being. I wrap the heavy chainmail-blanket of blame tightly around me. That is my fall-back position.

DID and me

by Karen Johnson | 1 Jan 2011

It is not about diagnostic labels. It is not so much about dissociation, parts, losing time – although all of those add to the constant sickening sense of being different. For me it is about being me. The reality of everyday living with myself. ME.

The paradox of shame?

by Tortoise | 1 Jan 2011

I feel ‘shame’ that I have emotions, while desperately seeking out those very emotions. Feeling shame for not owning them. Feeling shame for feeling them. Paradox.

Boys don’t cry

by A Male | 1 Jan 2011

I’ve just had my heart broken and I’m struggling to accept it; or accept it again, I should say. I haven’t attempted many relationships in my life and this one ended some time ago. But when I realised I still loved her, or parts of me did, I attempted a reunion. But she’s moved on and unfortunately for me, loss still equals death.

Part 2: Multiple parts

by Cathy Le Roux | 1 Jan 2011

Part 2 of the Cathy Le Roux Chronicles, a sardonic look at life with dissociative identity disorder.

Who am I? – Questions of identity in dissociative identity disorder

by Carolyn Spring | 1 Jan 2011

I look up and I am in my therapist’s room. I look up and I am in the cafe area of the shopping mall. I look up and I am in bed in the dark. I look up and I don’t know if I am I. There is no thread of continuity between these places, these experiences. Who am I now, writing this, re-reading this, re-writing this?

Powerlessness

by Carolyn Spring | 1 Jan 2011

Powerlessness is such a core experience for victims of abuse that often we don’t even notice that it’s there. It is played out in the way that we interact with people and the world – it’s the shadow cast by the sun, rather than the sunlight itself.

Therapy room push-pull

by Tortoise | 1 Jan 2011

You ask me how I feel … I feel panic, nothingness, panic, more nothingness. Laced into the panic is sadness, guilt, doubt, paranoia, then dreadful nothingness. And worst of all, shame. Always here, I feel the shame.

Rescuing dogs, rescuing insiders: learning to care for young parts

by Kitty | 1 Jan 2011

Dissociative survivor Kitty talks about her experience of getting to know the various parts of her personality and how similar the process has to been to taking on a rescue dog.

Part 1: Finding support in unlikely places

by Cathy Le Roux | 1 Jan 2010

Part 1 of the Cathy Le Roux Chronicles, a sardonic look at life with dissociative identity disorder.

A life worth living

by Carolyn Spring | 1 Jan 2009

I knew a lot about pain, but I didn’t know very much at all about pleasure. I asked myself: what do I like doing? For weeks I couldn’t answer that question, not with anything tangible or concrete.

What is it like to be me? – I am DID

by Carolyn Spring | 1 Sep 2008

Each day me – tip-toeing through life (your life, your world, your complex unknowable system of rules and experiences), a desperate yet futile quest to hide my oddness.

The body remembers

by Carolyn Spring | 1 Jan 2008

I hate my body. It was there, always there, during the abuse. My mind went away but my body could not. My mind could forget. We parcelled up little chunks of our mind, bit by bit, and sent them off into dim little rooms where they could be forgotten and not heard.

Category: Dissociative survivors’ experiences

Dissociative survivors' experiences